The start of a new season has made me rethink things. Over the past few months the illustration side of things have slowly come to a steady halt as I’ve been preoccupied with work. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing either. That push and desire to draw, be creative, explore new ideas is slowly slipping away from me and I fear that I’m losing my passion. I had a really long chat with a friend a few days ago about life in general (we all need that chat at some point in time) and we touched upon ambitions, dreams and desires in life. I don’t think we have enough time to think about what we want in life. We just power through each day and get on with the boring stuff like pay bills, eat, do the washing etc. blah, blah, blah. It must be a natural age thing where you sort of freak out about where you’re heading in the next few years; what I’m doing at the moment isn’t really what I want to do because I have no idea what I want and that’s pretty bloody scary. At the same time, I hate seeing people doing things they hate but they do it because they’re scared of taking risks. You’re just kidding yourselves.
I’m also quite sad that the illustration side of things has pretty much stopped. I always thought I would live off my artwork; it was that thought that kept me going over the past few years. Now that things are on stand by mode, I feel like I’ve switched off and succumbed to the 9 to 5 working life of not spending time doing something I love. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
I just need to clear my head and spend some time thinking about myself and not worry about other people. Or it could be one of those things where I might just have to accept that it might not happen; it breaks my heart when I think about that.